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How to Ruin your Relationship: Five Easy Steps

Are you sick of being the couple that is “too much”? Tired of getting dirty looks from passersby as you hold your partner’s hand and kiss in public? Are you so over being asked, “how do you guys do it”? Is being in a good relationship just not where you imagined you would be at this point in your life?? Well, good news for you!! Below are five easy ways to quickly ruin any relationship. Follow the steps below and you will be well on your way to taking the romance and connection out of your relationship! Are you ready? Let’s get started:

Step One: Move your Relationship to the Bottom of your Priority List.

A rookie mistake that many couples make in the beginning of their relationship is to put their relationship first. Well, let’s fix that straight away. Take date night off the schedule! Nightly dinner with your partner? Weekends doing activities together? A shared TV show or hobby? Yuck! Replace all of those bonding activities with something that doesn’t involve your partner. Make sure that you spend a lot of extra time on work- and bring those projects home!! Find things you want to do that don’t involve your partner, hang out with people who your partner cannot stand, or begin a TV show or hobby that your partner has no interest in. If all else fails, come home as late as possible! Basically doing whatever you can do to spend less time as a couple should be your focus for this first step of the “de-romantization process”. Put your relationship and spending time with your partner last on your priority list. If you have time, you will “try” to squeeze them in.

Step Two: Stop being Curious about your Partner

You spent a lot of time getting to know your partner at the beginning of the relationship. Ok, now MOVE ON! Your partner is predictable now, so treat them that way. Don’t mention that desire you have to go camping because you KNOW your partner is not that kind of person. Don’t start dreaming about that house, because you KNOW your partner is bad at saving money! Forget about trying that new restaurant because your partner is just not that adventurous! And DEFINITELY don’t ask your partner if they have any new goals or aspirations in life, um, they already have a job! You can discuss the news, current events, future goals, your hopes and dreams with your friends, of course! But what’s the point of asking your partner since you ALREADY know what they’re going to say?! Save your breath. Just assume what they are thinking and feeling and you’ll save yourself a lot of time.

Step Three: Stop Saying Thank You

On the topic of saving your breath, why are you still thanking your partner for the things they do? It’s their job now. You divided up the responsibilities around the house and the bills right? I mean, you do most of the work in this relationship anyway, so why should you be grateful to your partner for contributing their small share? Also, it benefits them too! You’re basically thanking them for helping themselves. Do you see the problem here? I mean, how redundant! If anything, start pointing out the ways in which you contribute more to the relationship. If your partner points out something that they have done, immediately respond back with a larger list of things you have done. Instead of saying “Thank You”, make sure to say “You’re WELCOME” (and just stuff allllll the sarcasm in that) to remind your partner just how lucky they are to have you in their lives.

Step Four: Start seeing your Partner as your Competition

Your partner has so many needs! Why should you continue to put up with that? Start seeing your partner as an obstacle to the life you want to live. Start seeing your partner as a competitor who wants to take away your freedom. Every need they have takes away from your needs! Compromise and collaboration is for losers. You’re a winner! They’re the loser. There has to be one or the other right? May the best man win! Fight dirtier! Fight harder! Be less reasonable. Stop entertaining their point of view! Stop listening to their feelings. Feelings are stupid! (Make sure to tell them that as well). No compromise! Fight to the death!

Step Five: Hold your Partner to Your Standard

If you can do the dishes in 15 minutes, why can’t they? If you can balance your checkbook, why can’t they? If you can make friends easily, why can’t they? If you found a job in 3 weeks, why can’t they? If you are able to express your feelings clearly, why can’t they? If you can work 70 hours a week, why can’t they? If you can have a good relationship with your parents, why can’t they? If you can get by with 5 hours of sleep a night, why can’t they? If you can maintain your weight, why can’t they? It’s because they’re lazy and undisciplined that’s why!! If they would just TRY HARDER, they could totally meet your standards! How selfish of them to not meet your standards. Don’t they know how much it hurts your feelings to be with someone so...inconsiderate?? Make sure you let your partner know where the standard is, not based on their abilities, their strengths, or their standard, Yours! Your way is the best way and the sooner they start realizing that, the better.

Obviously there are many more ways to decrease connection and intimacy, but if you do these five steps consistently, in six months -I promise you, you won’t even recognize your relationship! You won’t be able to stand the sight of your partner, let alone be an inspiration to others!! Pesky romantic goals-blegh! Now you won’t have to attend that wedding or family party, or BBQ because guess what? No one wants you around anymore! I mean your partner is actually still invited, but no “plus one” this time because it is so gosh darn uncomfortable seeing the tension and distance between you. Perfect! More (alone) couch time for you.


**Disclaimer: This article is firmly tongue-in-cheek. Please, for the love of all that is...well Love, do not treat your partner this way. If you read this article and recognized yourself or your partner in some of these behaviors, there is help! It’s never too late to turn your relationship around and stop these relationship ruiners in their tracks. Visit us online to make an appointment to learn new habits and tools that you can use to increase connection and intimacy and improve your relationship today:

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